The other day, I came across a blog post that got under my skin. Desteny from A Frugal Desteny published an article suggesting that “soft moms” should stop coddling our baby boys. She even went so far as to accuse us of “turning [our] little boys into little girls”.
Desteny wrote that she would never allow her hypothetical son to commit such crimes as taking a dance class, wearing the color pink or shedding a tear. Her son, like her husband, would grow up to be a “real man”.
Desteny’s words made me very angry. Just summarizing them now is making my blood boil. But the cool thing about having a blog is that when I read something I disagree with, I have a place to respond.
This post is for you Desteny and others who share your point of view. I doubt I can change your mind but I hope that I can at least give you pause.
What is a Real Man, Anyway?
Let’s start with what Desteny and I do agree on. I too married and aspire to raise a real man. Of course, my definition of “real man” looks nothing like hers.
To me, a real man wears whatever color he feels confident in, especially if it’s pink. He doesn’t feel threatened when he’s surrounded by strong, smart and successful women. A real man doesn’t expect someone else to care for him. He knows full well how to do his own laundry, clean his own home and prepare his own meals. In fact, he’s a hell of a cook.
Above all, the concept of a real man is as simple as it sounds – a man who is real. A real man doesn’t restrict himself to thoughts and actions that fall within society’s narrow expectations of what a man should feel and do. He is true to his personality, not his gender identity.
According to Desteny, real men are a dying breed. But I am hopeful that there are enough soft moms like me out there to ensure that that isn’t the case.
How Does One Raise a Real Man?
My job as a parent does not include molding my one-year-old son into some preconceived notion of manliness.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to extreme lengths to keep his world gender-neutral. I’ll admit that he has accumulated an ungodly number of blue striped onesies and the minute I found out his gender I bought blue paint for his nursery. I won’t shelter him from products designed for boys, but I will also never discourage him if he wants to play with items meant for girls.
Below are some of the parenting principals that I’m hoping will help me to raise a real man. They have nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the values I want to instill in my child.
Smother him with All My Love
Damn right, I coddle my baby boy. Obviously, I want to encourage him to be tough and independent. But right now, my primary responsibility is making sure he knows that he is loved. As his toddler days whiz by, I will take every chance I get to cuddle, rock and comfort my busy little guy. Hopefully, when he gets older, he will never be afraid to show honest emotion.
Let Him Make His Own Decisions
I don’t believe it’s up to me to decide what activities he enjoys, what clothes he wears and what interests he has. If he wants to take dance classes, I will enthusiastically sign him up and pray to God he didn’t inherit my cringe-worthy sense of rhythm. And if he wants to wear a tutu to the park, my only hesitation will be the cruelty of bigoted strangers.
Make Sure He Can Recognize Gender Bias
Of course, I can’t stop the people my son comes in contact with from making decisions about who he is and how he should be treated based on his gender. But I can try my best to help him avoid acts of subtle sexism and stand up for those around him who are underestimated because of their physical traits. Nothing would make me prouder than my son having an Andy Murray moment.
Help Him to Have an Open Mind
You better believe that any child of mine will grow up respectful of people who are different from them. My son will know that “family” is not limited to a mom, a dad and a litter of perfect Russian-doll children. Above all, he will know that whoever he wants to be and love is alright by me.
Teach Him Life Skills
I would be doing my son a disservice if I decided that because he’s a boy, he doesn’t need to know how to take care of himself. At 15 months old, he already loves to “help” us cook, put his toys away and push the buttons on the washing machine. In the same vein, if we ever have a daughter, I am adamant that she will learn to change a tire, mow a lawn and use power tools.
Where Are All My Soft Moms At?
Please feel free to leave a comment and weigh in. Whether you agree with me, you agree with Desteny or you think we’re both dead wrong, I urge you to be respectful. We all have a right to make our own decisions about how to raise our kids.
You may be surprised to hear that Desteny and I have had some friendly interactions. She even helped me out when I was iffy about how to address a negative message I received after I posted common parenting phrases that rub me the wrong way. By now, you may be less surprised to hear that she is an expert in handling negative feedback.
If you get one thing out of reading this, I hope it’s the understanding that our children’s lives should never be defined or limited by their gender. But there’s a second lesson buried in this post. It is possible for strangers to politely disagree on the internet.
Photo creditTanalee Youngblood on Unsplash
Yes!!! Yes to all of this! You are such a wonderful mama. I can’t tell you why, but this brought tears to my eyes. Boys are meant to be snuggled and loved. There’s no way they can grow to be confident, independent people if they don’t feel cherished and important to somebody. I love this so so so much!!!
Thank you so much for this comment, Kaylee! This is my first time writing a post that I knew may be controversial so your encouragement means a lot to me. I’m so glad you can relate!
This is so beautifully written! I am a soft mom too, I love on my boys so hard! My 2 year old has a play kitchen, a baby doll that he “breastfeeds” and is currently wearing blue nail polish on his toes to match mine and his dad’s because my husband is the kind of man I hope to raise my sons to be – the kind who will wear blue nail polish without hesitation when his little boy asks him to so we all match. He also has a million toy trucks and cars, loves to play in dirt and is obsessed with tools. We are raising him to be his own man. I loved this post. It spoke to my motherly soul!
Thank you for weighing in Jen! I LOVE this! I am such a fan of your motherly soul and your whole blue nail polish clad entourage.
I loved this blog! Check out the YouTube video “4 Reasons Dads Don’t Really Matter”! There is a specific part in that video that really struck close to the message you’re writing about. (FYI it’s a humerous video, so the name of the video is just ironic)
I should add that I have a 7 month old boy, and I am most definitely going to be a soft mom. 😂
That video is perfect! I love the reference to the media, so true. Welcome to team “soft mom” – it makes me so happy to know that there are a lot of us out there!
Thanks so much for responding! One thing I haven’t really felt as a new mom is that “unconditional” support from other moms/women. We all are different, our parenting choices are so different to and I’m sure it’s coming from the right place, but constantly being told you’re doing things wrong, or to do them a certain way, is way more tiresome than a bad night with the baby. Your blog really just inspires me to know that my personal mom instinct is just perfect. I cuddled so hard with my baby boy in a different kind of way, and just thought to myself… “I’m gonna “soft-mama” love you so hard!” with so much more confidence. I owe that confidence to you, so thank you!
Thanks Victoire, I am SO FLATTERED! Seriously, knowing that I was able to help reassure you that your mom instincts are spot-on has made this whole blog worthwhile. I totally get what you mean about craving support from other moms. I am so desperate for a community of mom friends I started a mom blog! I’m starting to believe that constantly feeling like I have no clue what I’m doing and second-guessing myself is a good sign that I’m doing something right.
This is so true! My son is probably the most loving of my kids, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. He’s a teen, not a little kid, and still not ashamed to show affection toward me or others.
All my kids help cook. All my kids help clean. They all learn to use tools. I’ve had to call my husband out sometimes for teaching our son to use tools while not inviting our oldest daughter to do the same (she’s the oldest child). I want all my children to be competent in all these ways.
Thanks for weighing in Stephanie! I love hearing about your teenage son. It gives me hope that I’ll be able to teach my little guy that toughness and affection aren’t mutually exclusive.
It’s easy for me to argue against the idea that the life-skills kids need have anything to do with their gender. But I have a feeling it will get harder as my son gets older and is influenced by other kids and the media. It makes me so happy to hear from a mom of teens who is pulling this off.
I can’t agree with this. I love the idea of raising children to be equal regardless of their gender, but I cannot allow my children to grow up thinking the gender that they were born with can be changed and changed back as desired. That being said, I encourage the boys to play with dolls and cook and clean just as I encourage the girls to go fishing and learn how to use tools and change oil in the car. I want both the boys and girls to follow Mom and Dad around and learn about the world from a non-gendered perspective. I grew up using tools, baking cakes, playing outside, working on cars, etc, but I was still very much aware of the fact that I was a female, because that can never change, regardless of the shape your body takes. I’m not hateful towards those who choose to change their bodies to match their feelings about themselves, but I won’t teach my children that it’s a good thing or something to be encouraged. When they’re adults, they can do what they want, but in my house, a boy is a boy and a girl is a girl, they just happen to both learn how to do everything as close to the same as possible.
Thank you for reading and commenting Leigh! I knew going in that this post would not be universally popular. Since I posted this last week I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop and here it is. Obviously, we share some (but not all) of the same parenting principles. Although we don’t see eye-to-eye, I really appreciate you taking the time to hear me out.
Totally agree with you! My boys can cook and my daughter will know how to work on a car, hopefully. It’s important that life skills and responsibility are never confused as gender specific but something that everyone needs to learn. I also want them to be kind and compassionate to others while never thinking that God made a mistake in way he designed their body. I know not everyone agrees nowadays, but I am confident God does not send us into the world with design flaws that need changed by man.
Thanks for weighing in Leah! I think it’s absurd for Desteny to equate snuggling my baby boy to “turning him into a little girl”. I believe that being compassionate and thoughtful doesn’t preclude you from being manly and tough. That said, if I get one thing right as a parent, I hope it’s making sure my little guy knows that he has my unconditional acceptance.
I totally agree with all you said . I am mother of 18 month boy and I am very soft soft mummy .. give him atleast hundreds of kisses in a day.
A emotionally Strong person is always the one who can express his/ her emotions well even if that includes tears . An emotionally strong people are more happier in life and better in identifying and solving problems . So if boys cry , it’s good as they are showing there emotions
Thanks Rika, I love this comment! Emotional toughness is not the same thing as suppressing and ignoring your emotions. Enjoy that sweet baby boy!