Rant Alert
As a new mom, I’ve noticed that a lot of the terminology we use to discuss parenting agitates me. When it comes to raising kids, emotions and opinions run rampant. Friends and strangers alike offer their unsolicited thoughts on everything from pregnancy and birthing to diapering and feeding. Today I’m sharing five phrases I hear all the time which rub me the wrong way.
Before I dive in, I should clarify that I am not trying to shame parents for using these terms. I’m not suggesting we stop using them, or even pledging to stop using them myself. My goal in pulling this list together is to commiserate with my fellow parents and start a conversation about the implicit meaning of our words.
1. Starting a Family
Whenever I hear someone discuss their plans to “start a family”, I get irrationally annoyed. I don’t like the implication that couples without children are somehow less of a family and by having kids you achieve “family” status.
This phrase always brings to mind friends who’ve struggled with infertility. It also diminishes the years my husband and I spent learning how to be a family of two before our son came along.
2. Breast is Best
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it, already. Nursing has countless benefits for both mom and baby. On a personal note, breastfeeding my son through his first year has been an amazing experience.
But through that experience, I have come to believe that our “breast is best” culture is a double-edged sword. On the positive side, there are countless laws and resources designed to help moms achieve breastfeeding success. On the negative side, society places so much pressure on new moms to breastfeed.
Yes, when it comes to providing your baby with the ideal nutritional balance, breast is best. But there are a lot of other factors to consider when determining what is “best” for your family.
When you expand your goals to include enabling moms to recover physically and emotionally from childbirth or earn a living outside of the home, breastfeeding may have some competition.
3. We’re pregnant
When a pregnant woman uses this phrase, it can be inclusive and generous. When a partner to a pregnant woman uses this phrase, It can come off as minimizing.
Is your body getting increasingly cramped and uncomfortable by the day? Do you have to think carefully before eating a meal, getting some exercise or taking medication to ensure that your actions are safe for the baby? Have your hormones hijacked your brain leaving little room for much else? If not, you are decidedly not pregnant.
4. Babysitting
Parents don’t babysit, they parent. I’ll admit that I’ve used this one once or twice when I missed out on a wild Friday night in favor of dinner with a 1-year-old followed by bathtime, a couple of stories and bed at 7:30. I’ve even gone so far as to describe nights at home with my child after he falls asleep as “house arrest”.
But the truth is, I’d take giving my little bug a bath over meeting a friend for a drink ten times out of ten. I know how lucky I am to have the chance to spend my weekends “babysitting” my son.
5. Get Your [Pre-Baby] Body Back
My pre-baby body is dead to me. I don’t mind at all that my hips are wider and there’s still a small hint of a Linea Nigra down my torso. These days, my belly button is not an innie or an outie and instead has carved out a new category for itself I like to call an “In-N-Out”-Ie.
I have no interest in trying to “get my body back”. Instead, my primary goal is to build strength and endurance in the body I have today. My secondary goal is to try not to pee a little while I’m doing it.
What Did I Miss?
I know I’ve only scratched the surface of parenting phrases which some people find aggravating. What else have I missed? Whether you agree with me, disagree with me or have started a list of your own, I would absolutely love to hear from you.
Looking for another Mom’s take? Check out why Brooks from Our Parent Place is not a fan of the phrase “natural birth“.
I honestly had never thought of the phrase “starting a family” as having a negative undertone but I love the point you bring up. My husband and I didn’t have our kid until 7 years after we were married and I very much considered us a family. Breast is Best is a big one for me because my son was adopted so formula was what he had but people in the store giving me shade don’t know that he was adopted. Not to mention the countless babies who end up underweight because new mom is trying so hard to breast feed but isn’t able to produce enough milk to sustain baby. Breast is best in best case scenarios but we don’t know what everyone’s scenario is. Thanks for this post! Hopefully it gets people thinking!
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your take Kim! It blows my mind that strangers believe it’s their job to weigh in on the choices you make around feeding your child. Grrrr.
I agree with.every.single.one. of these! I purposely stopped saying them when I was younger because I would read up on these in comments on forums/blogs/etc and people would be explaining why it’s not really cool to say things like that.
Thanks Melissa! I went back and forth on whether or not to write this because I didn’t want to come off as overly prescriptive or combative. Ultimately, I figured why have a blog if I don’t share my actual opinions on it.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been out somewhere and heard, “Oh, is your husband babysitting?”. Ummm. NOPE.
Ha! I know, that one in particular kills me. My husband says it all the time just to drive me nuts. He’s also a fan of saying “ok fine, I’ll go rear my child”.
I didn’t consider my husband and I, and our dog, as a family. I just said we were a couple. I’ve always thought the definition of family was parents and their kids.
But something I hate, and I don’t recall hearing it until the last couple years, is mothers referring to themselves as “mama.” And calling other moms “mama.” It just sounds like baby talk to me. I wouldn’t say it any more than I’d say “lellow” if a child couldn’t pronounce “yellow.”
Thanks for weighing in Ashley! I never thought of it that way. I’ve definitely used the term mama (probably on this blog), but I meant it more as a term of endearment. Totally agree with you about “lellow”.