I decided to be a working mom long before our son was born. Actually, “decided” implies that my husband and I considered other options. In truth, we reached the conclusion that I’d keep my job pretty automatically.
After investing nearly a decade in building a career, I had finally hit a comfortable cruising altitude. I was not about to walk away from my professional life just because I was having a baby.
Then I held that baby in my arms and my perspective changed in an instant. I spent twelve exhausting weeks at home – loving him, caring for him and staring at him in amazement. I was totally enamored.
As abruptly as it started, my leave ended and my career beckoned me back. Never in a million years could I have anticipated how stressful and emotional returning to work would be. The guilt and fear that accompanied leaving my son in someone else’s care were overwhelming.
First Thing’s First, We’re on the Same Team
After a year as a working mom, I’m confident that our “decision” was the right call for my family. But I completely empathize with the choices and sacrifices so many stay-at-home moms make.
I view my maternity leave with the rose-colored-glasses of someone who recently showered, sipped an iced coffee at my desk, chatted with colleagues, took on new challenges and was compensated for my effort.
I strongly and sincerely believe that all parents are on the same team. Moms are united by our responsibility to raise the best people we can. We share a commitment to put ourselves last and we never stop worrying about our children’s futures.
Collectively, we are striving towards the elusive goal of balance. We endeavor to balance work and family, to balance our own health with the needs of our children and to balance the weight of our responsibilities with humor and sanity.
So why is there a common misconception that Working Moms are battling Stay at Home Moms in some high-stakes “Mommy War”?
Here’s the secret, it’s all in our heads.
Where Did this Perceived Rift Come From?
For me, it started with one simple phrase spoken by a well-meaning stay-at-home mom – we’ll call her Brooke. This is what Brooke had the nerve to say to me:
“I could NEVER do what you do.”
What She Probably Meant
I have absolutely no doubt that those words were intended as a compliment. Here’s what I think she meant:
I’m impressed that you are able to juggle a full-time job while caring for your son. I admire your mental toughness and I acknowledge the obstacles you overcome every day.
Of course, Brooke’s sense of admiration is mutual. I am blown away by her selflessness, her faith in her partner and her commitment to her family. I honestly don’t know if I could fill her shoes either.
What I Heard
No sooner had the words left Brooke’s mouth than they made their way through my “mom guilt” filter and came out the other side looking something like this:
“Unlike you, I love my babies too much to leave them.”
What Went Wrong?
Without thinking, I projected my own guilt and fear onto Brooke. In my haste to stand up for my decisions, I failed to notice that nobody was questioning them.
Working moms, stay-at-home-moms and everyone in between share a tendency to be our own harshest critics. Most of us are too busy second-guessing our own choices to judge one another’s.
How Do We Fix It?
The solution is simple – assume positive intent.
As moms, our top priority will always be our children. But we also have a responsibility to support each other and pave the way for those who follow in our wake.
It is our duty to prove that moms can be more than one thing. Collectively, we are corporate ladder climbers, homemakers, trailblazers and caregivers.
Maybe if we keep our heads high and our minds open, the next generation of parents will have more choices than we did. Perhaps by then, the path to a balanced life will be easier to come by.
In the meantime, we don’t have time to judge each other. We have children to raise and work to do.
Of all the posts I’ve shared on MGIM to date, I am most curious to see how readers react to this one. SAHMs, Working Moms, Dads, and everyone else – I would love to hear from you! Share a comment and join the conversation.
Girllllll. I love this. Personally any time I’m SURE someone is being snarky or judging, it’s mostly just me projecting my insecurities and doubts into their comments. And half the time I wonder if other moms say things that don’t come out right or seem weird because we are all sleep-deprived over-worked disasters. Like. I know I’ve said things and then mentally been like… oh that sounded weird why am I so awkward??
I think it’s just super important to recognize that all mothers are just doing their best. And we need all these women doing different things, because our kids need to see that there are so many ways to lead a fulfilling life! There is not just one way to be a mom, and that’s so important!
Thanks Megan! I swear, some days “why am I so awkward” plays on a loop in my head. Somehow adding a kid to the mix has made me EVEN MORE awkward (that idea might need its own blog post).
I could not agree more with all of this, especially teaching our kids that there’s no one roadmap to a fulfilling life. No wonder you’re my blogging bestie!
Amen! I think “assume positive intent” is one of the best lessons I ever learned. I learned in in high school, after someone carreened into me, making me spill my stuff all over the floor. That had happened before…intentionally, lots of times, by people who would travel half way through the hall just to bump my shoulder, to tease me. So I assumed that was what this was and lit into the person…but by their reaction (angry at me for my anger, defensive, and suddenly, I noticed that they HAD been reaching down to help me with my stuff), I realized it was just an accident. No malicious intent. And someone who could have been a friend, who I could have smiled at and said it was ok as we picked up my stuff, was now not a friend, because I had assumed they were being mean. And I thought…”Who cares about the people who are being mean? They’re going to be mean to me no matter what!” But I did care about the people who weren’t trying to be mean, so I decided to assume “good intent” from that point on. Best decision I ever made in my life
(OK…ONE of the best decisions I ever made.)
I LOVE this! I’ve been trying to be more aware of this concept lately. There are so many emotions and opinions when it comes to parenting. And so many people (even strangers) feel like they’re entitled to weigh in. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone is genuinely trying to help.
I have written about this myself. I think we also have become a society that passes judgement so quickly that we blurt out thinks like Brooke said in your post. Most of the conflicts I have encountered are because some people just lack a filter. They blurt out what is right for them and it may not be for someone else. You know what I mean? I try very hard when talking other mothers to choose my words wisely. I have been a single mom, a working mom, and a SAHM so I try to remember what it was like for me when I was in their shoes. It helps a lot.
Another mom blogging Meg! There’s so many of us ☺️. I totally agree and I love your point that so many women aren’t confined to one of these two categories (SAHM/working mom). So many women stay home with babies and return to work later on, work from home or stop working when their kids are older. The bottom line is, what works for one family is not necessarily right for another and we’re all just trying to figure out what “balance” means to us.
For me, the phrase ‘full time mom” drives me crazy. I don’t stop being a mom when I go to work.
I completely agree! There will never be one second of my life when I’m not actively being a mom. That said, I could see how “homemaker” could be just as minimizing so I understand why there’s a need for that term.