After writing Dear New Mom Agonizing Over Returning to Work, I started thinking about how much my husband’s attitude about leaving our son to return to work differed from mine. I decided to write a similar post from a dad’s perspective to shed some light on the ridiculous discrepancies in how new moms are viewed in comparison to new dads.
Check out how swapping out “mom” for “dad” turns something totally relatable and honest into something absurd and sarcastic . . .
Dear New Dad on the Cusp of Returning to Work
I know exactly how you feel. It seems like your baby has been around forever, yet your paternity leave came and went in the blink of an eye.
The rational part of your brain is ready for this transition. He knows that being a working dad is precisely what you wanted and planned for all along. But nothing could have prepared you for the debilitating blend of emotions you’re experiencing as your time at home comes to an end.
I’ve felt your trepidation when it comes to relying on someone else to care for your child
You’re probably terrified at the thought of your wife handling feedings, tantrums, diaper changes and naps on her own. The fear and guilt you feel when leaving your little one with your wife is a common struggle for working dads.
You might find yourself distracted at work, wondering if she knows where the extra wipes are. Will she find the perfect bath temperature that’s not too hot or cold for your little one’s sensitive skin? Is she capable of applying the correct amount of butt paste to avoid diaper rash? Is she going to remember that your baby has a doctor appointment on Thursday?
I’ve felt your heartbreak over missing so many moments with your little one
When you arrive at the office, don’t be surprised if you long for your baby’s incessant wailing. At first, you might question how you ever survived without the smell of spit-up and diapers.
Be prepared for your workplace to seem alarmingly serene in comparison to your home. Lunchtime will be eerily relaxing. You may crave the emotional roller coaster your wife and infant are steering back at home.
Remind yourself that the first days back will be the hardest. Consider holding off for a couple of weeks before displaying a photo of your child on your desk. Keeping your little one out of your sight may enable you to avoid an embarrassing breakdown at work.
If you come across another dad with their infant on the street, your reaction will alarm you. You may tear up, your pecs could start leaking and you might even find yourself begging to hold his baby. Rest assured that this happens to the best of us.
You will suffer not only separation from your infant but also separation from your in-laws. Those older clones of your wife have not left your house in days. They are forever looming, eager to lend a hand and remind you of the correct way to care for a newborn in the ’80s.
I’ve felt your anxiety at the idea of picking up where you left off at work
Your coworkers will tread cautiously around you. You’ll sense them questioning your commitment to your job. They’ll discuss your return to the office in hushed tones behind your back. Is he as smart and capable as he was before? Has his memory been wiped clean after spending time at home with his family? Is he just going to knock up his wife again and quit?
Their whispering will grind away at you and lead to self-doubt. You’ll wonder if your mind is too cluttered with the needs of your child to focus on work. The emotional trauma of witnessing childbirth may still weigh heavily on you. On top of all that, you have to grapple with your self-consciousness when cramming your dad-bod back into a suit.
Hang in there, my friend
Without a doubt, you have a tough road ahead. But you will get through this transition and find a new rhythm. The life of a working dad can be very challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding.
In All Seriousness, the Struggle is Real
I hope this post doesn’t come off as a knock on dads. I certainly had a more difficult time returning to work than my husband did, but I don’t doubt that his commitment to our son is equal to mine. I wish I had more of his emotional toughness and relaxed confidence in our son’s resilience.
Although there are exceptions, new babies tend to spill over more into the professional lives of moms than dads. My husband took a two-week paternity leave while I stayed home for twelve weeks. He never had to worry about limiting travel during pregnancy, fitting back into his pre-baby clothes and lugging a breast pump back and forth to the office. His coworkers never questioned whether the birth of our son might impact his attitude at work. I doubt he sobbed in the car on his first commute after our son’s birth and he wasn’t paralyzed with anxiety after dropping our son off at daycare for the first time.
None of that changes the fact that his world was turned upside down, just like mine. He frequently prepares meals and daycare bottles, holds up the fort when I travel, drags himself to work after being up all night with our restless baby and stays home with a sick little one. In my opinion, the abrupt transformative effect a baby has on new parents is universally challenging to moms and dads. All parents that want to advance their careers deserve enough support and flexibility to meet that goal.
I would love to hear from some of my fellow parents. How has your transition back to the office gone? Has gender impacted how you’ve been perceived at work?
On a more serious note, check out my original post with advice for new mamas who are agonizing over returning to work.
